Bible Stories, YGO Style: Season 2!
by Toboe LoneWolf
Summary: They're at it again! The YGO gang acts out some famous and perhaps not so famous Bible stories! Sunday morning values...well, kind of...YGO morning fun! [Now showing: The Birth of Moses!]
1. Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand

Toboe LoneWolf: Heyla! Welcome to a new "season" of _Bible Stories, YGO Style!_

YGO Cast: _:groans:_

Toboe LoneWolf: _:wiiidde grin:_

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf does not own Yu-Gi-Oh or the Bible, never has, never will…unless God gives her the copyrights.

Toboe LoneWolf: _:looks up:_ Please? …Just kidding! Onward!

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Bible Stories, YGO Style: Season 2!

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Story #8: Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand  
AKA: Jesus Creates the Fast Food Business

**x x x x x**

For once, Yugi was looking down at someone.

No, he hadn't gotten a growth spurt, or was wearing high heels, or had gotten a magical treatment by a fangirl authoress.

The fact was that Yugi was teetering on top of a two-story ladder holding an enormous sign taller than he was, attempting to hang it up.

Key word: "Teetering."

Murphy's Law states that whenever an anime character is on top of a ladder that unknown forces will come down and tip the ladder ever-so-much to…

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"OWWW!"

Murphy's Law also states that the character's fall will be stopped by something other than the ground.

"Yugi, if you do not get off me now I will make sure to cast you in a very, very, very humiliating role."

In horror Yugi scrambled off the person he'd fallen on top of, to reveal his insane, writer-slash-director-slash-amateur torturer. Casually dressed in khakis and a T-shirt, you'd think this was a nice, normal person. But Yugi knew her to be absolutely, clinically insane. Behold Toboe LoneWolf, formally known as LoneWolf16, for contractors had come after her and police were called in and there was some cover-up about the explosion of that new theater down the block, so LoneWolf16 made a quick penname change that was kinda forced upon her by authoress-eating lawyers and changed to a new theater location that was unfortunately smaller and much inferior, but everything was (supposed to be) okay.

In other words, Yugi knew he was in for something very, very bad.

LoneWolf rubbed her head and looked up. "Hey! The sign's up!"

Now hanging above the doorway, with a slight tilt, was a cheap wood sign, painted with the words,

"NOW PREMIERING: BIBLE STORIES, YGO STYLE: THE SECOND SEASON!"

Little stars formed in Toboe LoneWolf's eyes. "Oh lookit Yugi! We're open for business!" She scrambled up to her feet and dragged Yugi in. "Come on Yugi! It's time for the show!"

Yugi facepalmed. He. Was. Doomed.

**x x x x x**

The YGO cast was not a happy group at the moment.

Okay, they'd been through a lot. They'd been through humiliation, forced roles, and life-threatening costumes, but nothing could compare to this:

Having to have to do it a _second time_.

With the same, insane, writer-slash-director-slash-amateur torturer.

…For they were told that there was going to be another season.

And for that reason, they were not a welcoming cast and crew when the (one of many) bane of their existence walked in.

"Heyla, guys! Ready for another season of _Bible Stories_?"

All-around cast groan.

Toboe LoneWolf frowned, and tapped her clipboard. "Come on guys, this is supposed to be an impromptu humor group! Laugh! Smile! Be prepared for anything!"

"I'm prepared to die," Marik groaned.

LoneWolf rolled her eyes and pointed her pen. "Actually, you'd better be prepared to go onstage. We're on in fifteen minutes."

"WHAT!"

"What the heck? We don't even know the story!" Yami Marik yelled.

LoneWolf waved it off. "We're the impromptu group! Doesn't matter. 'Sides, this story's easy." She raised an eyebrow. "It involves food."

"Food?" Joey perked up.

"Yep," LoneWolf waved the two-page script. " 'Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand Beasts.' "

Ryou blinked. "I haven't heard of that one…"

LoneWolf shrugged. "Look, we don't have five thousand people here, okay? Yami, you're gonna summon a bunch o' Duel Monsters to make the crowd. And lessee, we need a Phillip and Andrew-- Joey, you're Phillip, and…lessee…Kaiba, you're Andrew, ten of you guys are the other disciples, Ryou you're the little boy with the lunch, Yugi's Jesus, and Bakura's buying the food."

Yugi facepalmed again, from where he was slumped in the corner. Oh no. The director truly did want to torture him…

Joey just registered the last bit of information. "What?" Joey whined. "_Bakura's_ buying the food?"

Ryou blinked. "So _that's_ why there hasn't been a conspiracy yet to tar and feather you and destroy this theater."

"Behold my masterful planning. Okay?" LoneWolf peeked out the curtains. "Yugi, throw on a white bathrobe; Yami, start summoning. Alright, on three: one, two, three!"

And with that she shoved Yugi onstage. The blinding lights went on, and Yugi stood there, hair askew, robe half on, the perfect picture of: _What the heck?_

"Look God-like!" LoneWolf hissed.

Yugi blinked to get the white spots out of his eyes. Oooh, pretty white spots. Prettty. Blink lots to get lots of pretty colors.

Wait a sec…there wasn't anyone here! Nada. Zilch. Nobody. Just rows of unoccupied seats. And some windows.

"Hey!"

LoneWolf waved her hands, shooing Yugi on as if he were an errant chicken. "They'll come later! You're supposed to look kawaii and bring in viewers."

Yugi looked down at scruffy sandals that had straw sticking out everywhere and a bathrobe that was not white but rather yellow down the middle and…continuing that thought would be rather disturbing.

Cuteness would be something hard to obtain.

Behind him, LoneWolf spoke into a purloined microphone. "Hello, folks! Welcome to the second season of _Bible Stories, YGO Style!_ Today we're enacting _'Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand!_' Now just sit back and enjoy the show!"

Yugi stared at her. There was _no one_ watching. The director was _insane_.

…Wait, we confirmed that already.

"A great crowd followed Jesus, and having compassion on them, Jesus taught them many things."

Well, a great crowd appeared, but they didn't follow.

They chased.

"YAAAAMIII!"

Yami was currently rolling on the backstage floor laughing as an Injection Fairy Lily chased Yugi around onstage, obviously intent on skewing Yugi with her hypodermic syringe.

After all, it's her job.

And let's not forget that this is a crowd, so…a gazillion Kuribohs were zooming around (a product of Multiply) trying to glomp their beloved "master;" Dark Magician Girl was attempting to stop them and failing miserably, with the failures becoming small fireworks; Dark Magician was floating stoically above the chaos; and a herd of Gazelles was stampeding over everything.

Needless to say, Yugi was not pleased.

"MAKE THEM STOP!"

LoneWolf hissed as Yugi flailed past her. "You're supposed to teach them!"

"LIKE WHAT!"

"To be good!"

Yugi managed to face-fault and remain conscious.

Right. 'Teach them.' Oooookay.

Yugi turned around, and before a Kuriboh glomped his head Yugi screamed, "SIT!"

The kuriboh sat. Yugi blinked.

"Ah…good kuriboh."

The kuriboh beamed with pleasure.

In fact, everyone was sitting, even the Dark Magician, which was very disturbing. And they were all looking at Yugi expectantly.

"Ah…'love your neighbor as yourself?' " Yugi stammered.

"Another time," LoneWolf hissed. She spoke into the microphone again, reading off the script. "Now it was late in the day, and everyone was hungry."

Subsequent jaw dropping and rubbing of tummies by duel monsters, all equally disturbing, though most notably the saliva dripping out of the Gazelles' mouths.

LoneWolf twitches at the Duel Monster's uncanny acting. Or Yami's mind-control. "Phillip said to Jesus, 'Send the people away so they can buy something to eat.' But Jesus replied, 'You give them something to eat.' "

Carefully sidestepping the drool, Joey walked over to Yugi at the side of the stage. "Uh, Jesus, can they go now so we can eat?"

LoneWolf face-faulted.

"I mean, we go now so they can eat?"

More thuds.

Major sweatdropping and hoping that his next role would not force his pride to plummet, not that it hasn't already-- "I mean, they go now so they can eat?"

A sigh into the microphone. LoneWolf continued. "But Jesus answered, 'You give them something to eat.' " Phillip replied, 'That would take eight months of a man's wages! How can we buy that much food?' "

Yugi folded his hands and sat down in wise-guru-position. "You give them something to eat."

Joey fell down and bowed his head. "Oh wise Buddha, I have only three yen! How can I buy even one tofu burger for your guru-ness?"

More face-faults.

"Joey, you are done for," LoneWolf muttered out of the side of her mouth. Clearing her throat, LoneWolf continued, glaring at Joey. "Andrew said, 'Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?' "

Kaiba walked onstage, gazed over the myriad of drooling Duel Monsters, found the bush of white hair that indicated his target, and stalked towards Ryou, who huddled over a basket.

"Please sir! It's me lunch, sir! I haven't had breakfist yet, sir!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes at British Boy's accent. "Confiscation duty. Hand it over."

To which there was much wailing and crying, but Kaiba didn't care. Kaiba plopped the lunch basket in guru-Jesus-Yugi's lap. "There. Lunch."

LoneWolf blinked. And continued. "Jesus took the loaves, gave thanks, and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied."

Yugi opened the basket and pulled at a McDonalds Happy Meal.

Major sweatdropping.

Joey bounced up-and-down. "Check out what toy they've got, Yuge!"

Yugi, with dead-pan calmness, pulled out the obligatory six piece Chicken McNuggets, small fries, and in their attempt to be kiddie-health-wise, a miniature milk jug, and the Happy Meal toy, which was…

…a Joey action figure.

"YES!" Joey pumped his fist, grabbed the toy and waved it in Kaiba's face. "HA! TAKE THAT RICH-BOY! I'M AN ACTION FIGURE!"

To which Joey proved by pressing the button on the back of the Joey-toy, and the Joey-toy said, in machine quality, "I'm going to take you down!"

Hand motions included.

Kaiba stared at the offending toy in his face. And then whipped out something from his coat pocket.

…a Kaiba Happy Meal action figure.

Which said, "Down on your feet, dog." Arms crossed and all.

"Mokuba wanted one," Kaiba stated flatly.

Major sweatdropping.

Ryou pointed a finger up. "We need a miracle?…"

LoneWolf looked at her watch. "Bakura should be coming in here with the rest right about now…"

**x x x x x**

Bakura did not understand the modern world.

He was in a car. And he was driving it. And he was currently speaking into some modern monstrosity telling it what he wanted to order.

"Yes, I want a _hundred_ Caesar salads! Didn't I already say that!"

"No, I do not want fries with that!"

"Yes, I wanted the Filet O' Fish, and I want a hundred of them, and I want them _now!_"

"NO I DID NOT ORDER FRIES!"

The microphone-monstrosity-thing-of-evil paused its static-ness. "Sir, you want one hundred Caesar salads and a hundred fish sticks?"

Bakura screamed bloody murder and shoved the paper list at the microphone_. "Can't you read!_"

…

"No sir."

Bakura snorted. "Figures."

In the end, Bakura got his order, and managed to fit it all in the car (putting the disgusting green salads as far away from him as possible), and also managed to drive back safely to the theater without crashing or maiming or attracting a trail of flashing police cars.

A real feat.

**x x x x x**

Bakura announced his arrival with tire squeals and a yell that could be heard through the theater's brick walls,

"I AM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN."

He stomped through the backstage and shoved an armful of fish burgers into Yugi's hands. "I, by Ra, will never go near that evil-black-microphone or ever buy this accursed thing called 'Filet O' Fish' or this unhealthy, disgusting salad which by Ra is poison I swear."

LoneWolf raised an eyebrow. "And Bakura pulls off a miracle. … He actually did it. Though I doubt you will ever go through the horrors of actually purchasing anything legally ever again, judging from your reaction."

Bakura glared daggers. Joey and Kaiba handed out fish burgers and salads.

'And so they all ate and were fat and happy.'

So sayth the guru in the mountain.

In actuality everyone stared at the squished fish burgers and limp salads, gagged, and threw them at the Kuriboh, who only ate so much stuff

LoneWolf coughed. "Afterwards, the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of leftovers. And everyone was amazed."

Grandpa walked onstage with a broom. "Clean-up?"

Everyone looked at the strewn, mashed up food-pieces.

Joey shrugged. "Yep."

Grandpa shook his head.

In the end, there were twelve garbage cans filled with…undesirable food product.

And everyone was amazed that there was so much…garbage.

LoneWolf sweatdropped. "Righto. The moral of the story was that Jesus provides."

_:Curtain falls:_

Bakura: Now that was pointless.

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Toboe LoneWolf: _:sighs:_ After about a year, hope the humor was still there. …If there are actually readers out there. Yes, I know it's a different format, and I'm still getting used to it. _brightens:_ However! If you've actually read all the way down here, I have a special treat! _:bounces over and flips switch:_

_:sign lights up:_

Toboe LoneWolf: Presenting _Joseph, aka Me Need Food!_ Now showing at your local mediaminer theater! Read my bio for details.

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(Alright, so since script-format is being really cracked down on at fanfiction(dot)net, I've posted Bible Stories_ on mediaminer. I was halfway through Joseph when the symbols went screwy. Soooo…for those wanting to read the epic tale of Joseph, you'll have to go to mediaminer. I have the same pen name over there and the title of the fic is the same. Incentive: bare-chested Joey, sugar-high Ryou, and Tea as an emaciated stalk of corn. And cows. XD)_

Toboe LoneWolf: _:waves:_ Till next time! Ja ne!


	2. Jesus Turns Water into Wine

Toboe LoneWolf: Heyla, glad to know there are readers still out there!

YGO cast: groans

Toboe LoneWolf: And so we continue!

Disclaimer: LoneWolf does not own YGO or the Bible. Or God, but that's impossible.

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Story #9: Jesus Turns Water Into Wine  
Aka: Sweet Stuff Tastes Better

**x x x x x**

Toboe LoneWolf chewed the end of her pencil. "Alrighty then, the last one went pretty well, so—"

"Went well!" Yugi waved his arms. "You're calling me running around for my life because of some insane monsters Yami summoned going _well?_"

Yami snickered.

LoneWolf blinked. "Well it wasn't any worse than the others. And if it makes you feel any better, this one is pretty easy."

Yugi looked at LoneWolf suspiciously. "Like what?"

LoneWolf tapped her clipboard. " 'Jesus Turns Water into Wine.' Easy."

"Wine?" Yami Marik perked up.

"Alcohol?" Bakura grinned.

LoneWolf sighed. "No, no alcohol. Grape juice. We have the little kiddies to think of."

"Awwwwww," Bakura whined.

LoneWolf ploughed on. "So, lessee here…it's at a wedding so we need a couple…"

Everyone looked at each other in horror.

"So how about Seto and Serenity? Seems to be popular these days."

Named persons turned green.

"No objections? Alrighty then. Next we have Jesus—" LoneWolf ignored two thuds that came from a fainted Seto and Serenity, "—who will be…hmm…Marik, how about you and—"

"Me?"

"Yeah you. You haven't been in a center role for awhile…and we need Jesus' mom…let's make it Ishizu, makes sense…"

Ishizu and Marik looked at each other in disgust. If Ishizu was Marik's mom, then…we're not going there.

"…and we need servants, but we'll make it one servant to make it easier, so that'll be Rashid, wow look at the symmetry…"

Rashid shook his head. Was he forever doomed to serve Marik?

"…and master of the banquet, whatever that is, so…Ryou let's make it you."

Ryou blinked. "Wha?"

"HEY! HOW COME HE GETS TO DRINK!" Bakura fumed.

"Yeah! He's not even old enough to drink," Yami Marik pointed out.

LoneWolf ignored them. "Alrighty then! The rest of you guys are the wedding guests. Wake those two up—" LoneWolf pointed at Seto and Serenity, where Seto had flopped on top of Yami, to Yami's disgust, and Joey was fanning Serenity, saying 'Speak to me, Sere! Are you okay?' but of course Serenity wasn't okay but the show must go on as they say, "—make 'em wear their formal clothes, and let's start!"

**x x x x x**

Lights dim.

LoneWolf spoke into the microphone, standing off to the side onstage. "Now there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding."

The lights turned on to reveal a very…strange…wedding.

Seto and Serenity, as married couple, were standing – very stiffly – on the side of the stage, while random characters walked up to them and gave their condolences— I mean, blessings. Joey was standing in the corner glaring daggers at Seto – it was mutual – and Serenity was trying to stand as far from Seto as possible without falling off the platform they were standing on, which (un)conveniently had about four spot-lights shining on them since they were the "married couple."

How sweet.

The rest of the YGO cast was aimlessly wandering around the tiny stage, trying not to bump into one of two drunkards, namely Yami Marik and Bakura. Even if there wasn't _real_ wine…they tried anyway. Or deluded themselves to be. …They really tried…

The good thing – or not so good thing, if Yami Marik and Bakura were not quite incapable of cognitive thought – was that there were people in the theater this time. Well, at least that meant the last show wasn't a total disaster, if some people came back.

"When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, 'They have no more wine.' "

Ishizu walked up to the banquet table and brusquely swiped off every wine (sparkling grape juice, great stuff) bottle, grape-flavored soda bottle, bowl of punch, and juice box, much to the complaints of Bakura and Yami Marik. She dumped them offstage and then went up to Marik, who was sitting on the side with his devoted followers, aka Rare Hunters.

"They ran outta wine."

Marik stared.

Ishizu elaborated. "Meaning something Really Bad will happen if those two don't get a drink soon." She pointed at the two lost drinkers, Bakura and Yami Marik, who were wandering around in circles, lost without their drinks.

LoneWolf face-faulted. And then continued. "His mother said to the servants, 'Do whatever he tells you.' "

Ishziu pointed at Rashid. "Obey Ma— I mean, Jesus!"

Rashid nodded dumbly. "Yes master."

Marik face-faulted.

…And LoneWolf continued. Because the show must go on. "Jesus said to the servants, 'Fill some empty jars with water;' so they filled them to the brim."

Marik looked around for empty containers, to no such luck.

Except for Joey's liter bottle of soda. Which Joey was drinking right out the bottle, but Marik didn't care. He wanted this over with.

"Go fill that up with water," Marik commanded.

Rashid obeyed.

"Hey!" Joey splurted out. "That's mine!"

"The master requires it." Rashid walked offstage and poured out the rest of the soda —which wasn't much— down the toilet.

"You wasted it!"

"It creates cavities."

"It tastes good!"

"Water is better."

Major sweatdropping at the impromptu nutrition lesson.

Kiddies, brush your teeth.

Now back to our scheduled show.

LoneWolf spoke into the microphone again. "Then Jesus told them, 'Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.' "

"Now give it to Ryou." Marik pointed.

Rashid obeyed. (Like he always does.)

Ryou looked at the soda bottle dubiously. Then ever-so-politely Ryou poured out the water/wine/whatever-Rashid-put-in-there into a paper cup.

Ryou raised an eyebrow at Joey. "Sorry. Bacteria, you know." Ryou smiled.

Joey was not amused.

And LoneWolf continued. "And the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, 'Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best for now.' "

Ryou looked at the cup in front of him. It was purple. There was nothing floating in it. It smelled okay.

Rashid looked innocent.

Sounds of "Fear Factor" floated through Ryou's mind.

But because this story requires it, Ryou drank.

And it was good.

…

Ryou made a face. "It tastes like grape juice."

LoneWolf threw up her hands. "What do you expect? I'm not God! This is G, not blinkin' PG-13! I do not want a drunken Ryou walking around onstage!"

Ryou stared at the cup. "So this is…"

"Grape flavoring," Rashid answered. "And food coloring."

Everyone stared.

Kaiba remarked acidly, "Great stuff."

_:Curtain falls:_

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Toboe LoneWolf: … Sarcasm? Yea? Review? Please? …Ja ne! 


	3. Jesus Walks on Water

Toboe LoneWolf: Behold! I returnth!

YGO cast: **-**groans-

Toboe LoneWolf: -.-; Is that all you can do?

YGO cast: -groans affirmative-

Toboe LoneWolf: Righto. So anyway, onward!

Disclaimer: LoneWolf neither owns YGO, the Bible, or the dust bunnies under her bed.

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Story #10: Jesus Walks on Water  
Aka: Look Ma! No Hands!

x x x x x

Toboe LoneWolf called out over the cast's groans. "Hey! We're starting in thirty minutes guys! We've got to be ready!"

Marik raised his head. "For what?"

LoneWolf blinked. "Another show, that's what!"

Cast groan.

LoneWolf grimaced. "Come on, they're not too bad…."

Kaiba snorted. "They're pathetic."

(And so the next ten minutes or so revolved around LoneWolf chasing Kaiba around, crying, threats of vague torture/demise, more crying, much depression, and so on and so forth, but eventually LoneWolf retrieved most of her sanity and we continue with the story.)

LoneWolf flipped a page on her (battered) clipboard. "Okay! We're doing 'Jesus Walks on Water' next! Casting…"

The cast held its breath.

"Ryou as Jesus!"

Ryou blinked. "Excuse me?"

LoneWolf nodded. She counted off Ryou's credentials on her fingers. "Needs to be 1) light, 2) small, 3) scary."

"Eh?"

LoneWolf blinked. "Well, the disciples get scared of Jesus walking on water, see, and they think he's a ghost…so…Ryou's small, and light, and he's got white hair…"

Ryou made a face. "It's natural!"

"I know that!" LoneWolf threw up her hands. "It's easier without a wig, okay!"

The cast members blanched at that thought.

…Wigs…

LoneWolf shrugs. "So anyway…we need a Peter…so let's make it…Duke. You haven't been in one for awhile. And we need the other eleven disciples, so…" LoneWolf pointed at random YGO bishies. "Yami, Bakura, Tristan, Yami Marik, Rashid, Joey, Yugi, Pegasus, Mako, Kaiba, Mokuba. There we go, all set!" She clapped her hands. "On with the show!"

x x x x x

Lights dim.

"After the miracle of feeding the five thousand, Jesus sent his disciples to get into a boat and go ahead of him to the other side of the lake."

Lights turn on to see Ryou handing the toy boat created during the Noah-play to his disciples.

"Go to the other side of the lake." Ryou pointed to the opposite end of the stage.

The spotlight turns to reveal the lake.

…A child's swimming pool. A fairly large child's swimming pool, but…still.

…But anyway…

"Jesus went up on a mountain side to pray. In the middle of the night, Jesus went out to his disciples, who were out in the middle of the lake."

Ryou got down on his knees and fervently prayed, "Oh please oh please oh please oh please have mercy on me…"

LoneWolf facefaulted. Ryou continued.

…And so the moment of truth came. Ryou got up, walked over to the swimming pool, and stepped in.

And because he stepped on conveniently placed clear shaped boxes in the swimming pool, Ryou was "walking" on water.

Yeah. In circles.

While the toy boat floated in the middle of the pool.

Behold LoneWolf's sad special effects.

"When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified and cried out in fear, for they thought he was a ghost."

The spotlight (and camera) focused on the toy boat. Well, actually it was LoneWolf's old camcorder borrowed and hooked up to a bigger television set, but at least the inhabitants of the toy boat were...visible.

…Behold the disciple Lego figures.

And the twelve Lego disciples, given voices by the cast members, screamed in fear.

"Aaaaaaahhh! Don't step on us!"

"Have mercy!"

"Don't eat me! I swear I will return every piece of underwear!"

….

Ryou twitched. "Bakura…"

"…Shoot."

LoneWolf shook her head. Bakura, Bakura… She spoke into the microphone, continuing the narration. "But Jesus said to them, 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.' "

"Ah…it's me, guys. Don't be afraid."

"It's a blinkin' fifty foot towering Ryou. I've got a lot of reasons to be afraid." Joey muttered.

LoneWolf facefaulted. Alright, so there was something majorly wrong with the huge proportion differences. Was it her fault she couldn't get a life-sized boat? Lord of the Rings had miniatures, why couldn't she?

"And Peter said, 'Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water.' And Jesus said, 'Come.' Then Peter got down from the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus."

Duke spoke, through his miniature figure. "Can I play too?"

…Major sweatdropping.

"Sure…" Ryou bent down and carefully placed the Lego figure on the box next to his foot, so the Peter-Lego-figure was walking on water.

"Look ma! No hands!"

…more sweatdropping.

"But when Peter saw the wind, he was afraid, and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' "

At this point the hidden disco ball turned on and a psychedelic show lasted for about 5.2 seconds, long enough for Ryou to blow the Peter-Lego-figure off the box with careful application of breath and toe, into the middle of the "lake," where he began to sink.

"Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sinking! I'm sinking! Saavveeee meeeee!"

Duke is such a good voice-actor.

"Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?' "

Ryou bent down and fished the plastic figurine out of the water. "Why didn't you trust me?"

"I'm plastic."

…

…continuing…

"And when they climbed into the boat, the wind had died down. And the people on the boat were amazed."

So the backstage fan turned off and all the Lego figures bowed down to Ryou.

…Which was most disturbing.

LoneWolf stared at the prostate Lego figures on the boat. "So anyway, the moral of this story is to trust in Jesus."

-Curtain falls-

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Toboe LoneWolf: -.- I don't think this was on par with the others. -sighs- Converting this to prose is hard. I hope it still had funny parts in it though…ja ne! 


	4. Moses: Part 1 The Birth

Toboe LoneWolf: What ho! I live!

Djanil: …I'm ecstatic.

Toboe LoneWolf: (_grins_) Onward!

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf most certainly does not own Yu-Gi-Oh! She does have Director's and Author's discretionary power over the cast and crew for the purposes of fanfiction. So neener neener neer nyah. XP

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_Story #11: Part 1 – The Birth of Moses  
Aka: The Perils of Babyhood_

**x x x x x**

Toboe LoneWolf clapped her hands. "Yea! I think more people coming in! Are you ready guys?"

Cast groan.

"Alrighty then!" Toboe LoneWolf was all smiles. "Well, now that I've had a nice break, I've decided we need to take a leap of faith and embark on a heady endeavor!"

Joey blinked. "Bwah?"

Toboe LoneWolf struck a pose. "For we shall now play: The Story of Moses! Starring…"

Ryou covered his face. "Oh no…"

"Mokuba as Baby Moses!"

_"WHAT?"_ Mokuba leapt to his feet. "Are you _crazy?_ There's no way I'm playing a _baby!"_

Toboe LoneWolf blinked. "But you're the smallest male on the cast. Besides…it makes sense, since your older brother is going to play Moses later on."

Deadpan silence.

"I swear I am getting a lawyer."

LoneWolf blinked at Kaiba. "Hmm. That _is_ a problem. Then again," she grinned, "I do have authoress powers. And a license."

"For torturing?" Bakura added acidly.

"No, just general all-around control of your lives." Toboe LoneWolf shrugged. "I mean, how else am I supposed to write Alternative Universe fics, disease-driven fics, or direct skits involving crocodiles?"

The YGO cast blanched. One half of them were dead white because of the Fear of the Power of the Authoress Over Their Lives In Peril, the other half because of the crocodiles.

LoneWolf clapped her hands. "So, as for the other casting…we'll have Tea as the midwife, Serenity as Miriam, and Ishizu as the mom, and…oh boy…Mai as the Egyptian Princess."

The cast stared.

"Yes, we just barely fit all the female roles. Now…well, why not. Bakura, you're the Pharaoh."

_"WHAT?"_

Both Bakura and Yami leapt up. One in absolute joy, one in absolute horror.

"Because Bakura's gonna die off soon anyway to make room for the new Pharaoh." LoneWolf added. Bakura stopped bouncing. Ryou sighed in relief.

Yami walked over and grabbed LoneWolf. "And who, pray tell, is going to play that part?"

LoneWolf smiled. "You'll have to find out."

Pushing Yami aside, LoneWolf continued the preparations. "So extraneous roles as usual. I got more funding this time, and considering that we're going to do this story in parts, we're going to film this like a movie!"

Silence, once again.

"You're joking."

"…Oh, but I never joke."

Yami glared.

"Okay, maybe sometimes. But yep, we're making a movie!" LoneWolf struck a pose again. Brandishing a home video camera. "So let us begin with scene one!"

**x x x x x**

"Okay, line up, there we go, that's it." LoneWolf motioned with her left hand, holding her video camera in the other. "Yugi, put your back into it! I want to see dirt flying!"

Yugi rolled his eyes and dug a bit deeper with his shovel.

The YGO cast was out in some unnamed field, doing various poses of hard labor involving shovels, dirt, and hoes. And boulders.

Ryou grunted as he dropped a boulder. "Why do _I_ have to carry these? Can't someone else do it?"

LoneWolf blinked. "But it makes your plight so much more emotional. A tiny, weak guy like you forced to carry heavy objects with only your back…"

Bakura snickered.

Toboe LoneWolf stuck out her tongue, standing back, looking at the view. "Okay, I think I got it." Then she blinked. "Oh wait, forgot one thing. Guys, strip!"

…

_"WHAT?.!.?.!"_

LoneWolf waved a hand. "Just the shirts, guys."

Kaiba's forehead vein throbbed. "Excuse me?"

"Well, you guys are all Israelite slaves. And you never see slaves, especially slaves in Egypt, wearing shirts…" LoneWolf explained. "So…take 'em off!"

Yami growled. "That sounds so wrong…"

Bakura nodded. "I say we mob her."

"I say we roast her." Yami Marik added.

The three yamis nodded in agreement and turned in predatory intent towards the authoress.

"Tsk tsk tsk," LoneWolf waved a finger. "Director's powers."

"Which would be…" Bakura growled.

"Among other things, lightning bolts and humiliating roles?" LoneWolf raised an eyebrow. "Such as, oh, I don't know. I'm sure my imagination can come up with something. Something involving pins, your hair, and pink bubble gum, I'm sure…"

Bakura blanched. "I'll be good."

"That's a new one." Yami muttered.

"So anyways…take 'em off! And dump some water on yourselves too, I wanna see sweat!"

"Obviously, you are no longer going for a 'G' rating…" Kaiba muttered as he peeled off his white business shirt.

"Oh no, this will still be kid-friendly, don't worry." LoneWolf assured. She stepped back as she observed her bishie mosaic. "Okay…positions!"

The YGO returned to their portrayals of abject, indecent, unjust slavery.

…Hm…portrayals may be pushing it…

LoneWolf thumbed the 'record' button and began to narrate, doing a slow panoramic shot of the scene.

_"After the time of Joseph, the Israelites grew in numbers and multiplied. Then a new pharaoh came to power that did not know of Joseph. He saw their great numbers and feared that the Israelites would be a danger to Egypt by aiding their enemies. And so he commanded that the Israelites be enslaved."_

At various intervals of her speaking, Toboe LoneWolf brought up several hand drawn pictures into view of the camera. These were very badly done in pastels and in chibi form.

1) Bakura on a throne. He had a distinctively sourpuss face.  
2) Bakura in fear. This was basically Bakura clutching something like a blankie.  
3) Bakura giving out a command. This was a combination of sourpuss Bakura and enraged Bakura while clutching a blanket.

_"However, even under suppression the Israelites continued to multiply. So the Pharaoh called for the Hebrew midwives."_

Toboe LoneWolf stopped filming, cutting right in the middle of Ryou tripping over Yugi's shovel and about to fall with a boulder strapped onto his back.

"Alright, cut! Next scene!"

**x x x x x**

"Hmmm, there's something missing," Toboe LoneWolf mused.

Tea glared.

The setting had changed to some important business office room. Complete with leather chairs dark oak wooden desk, and dramatic window view in the back. Bakura was seated on one side in the huge plush black leather chair and Tea on a lowly metal stool.

LoneWolf snapped her fingers. "Aha! A fanner! A pharaoh always has one of those fanner people fanning him with those huge green leaves!" She browsed her cast list. "Hmmm…they're usually girls, young small, thin, and overly subservient…except we're kinda out of girls like that…" She waved a hand at Rebecca's expected outburst, "Yes, I know…but you don't fit the body type…aw, why not. For amusement purposes only, of course." She looked up. "Ryou, you be the fan boy."

"…"

Bakura laughed. "Oh, I like _that_. I _like_ that."

"But there's no plant to fan him with!" Ryou weakly protested.

"Sure there is." LoneWolf pointed to a tall, leafy, some-unknown-name-or-another plant in the corner. "Over there."

"I can't just rip off a leaf!"

LoneWolf gave him a look. "It's plastic. Businessmen don't have time to water plants."

"And while we're on that subject," Kaiba demanded, "May I ask why we are _in my business room?_"

"…Director's powers? Oh, and Director's License?" LoneWolf added.

"…and I thought being 'King of Games' was all powerful," Yami muttered.

Ryou tentatively pulled out a plastic leaf and looked at the leaf dubiously before slowly fanning Bakura. Who sighed and leaned back in his chair, just to torture Ryou.

LoneWolf waved a hand. "Alright, ready, set, film!" She thumbed the Big Red Button.

_"Now the king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, 'When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth, if it is a boy, kill him, but if it is a girl, let her live.' "_

In the background Rebecca was brandishing a poster saying, "FIRST POLITICALLY INCORRECT STATEMENT IN HISTORY."

_"But the midwives feared God and did not do what the King of Egypt told them to do. So he summoned them before him again."_

At this, LoneWolf cued the next action. Tea waved a big red "PRO-LIFE" sign and the rest of the cast started throwing plushies into the room, covering the floor…and adding up. As the pile grew, LoneWolf cued Bakura to speak.

As plushies flew everywhere, Bakura growled. "Okay, woman. Why do these Infernal Plushies keep multiplying?"

"I am pro-life!"

LoneWolf coughed.

"I mean, I am pro-choice!"

LoneWolf coughed again.

"I mean, I'm scared of God!"

LoneWolf facefaulted, but let it side. _"So God was kind to the midwives, and the people increased and became more numerous."_ LoneWolf waved a hand. "Cut! To next scene!"

**x x x x x**

Toboe LoneWolf shuffled some papers. "Okay, just stay in that position…one, two, three…filming!"

_"Now a man of the house of Levi married a Levite woman, and she gave birth to a son. When she saw what a fine child he was, she hid him for three months until she could hide him no longer."_

Like before, at appropriate intervals Toboe LoneWolf held up various pictures to accentuate the narration.

1) a diagram of a stick figure man plus a stick figure woman equaled a blob that was supposed to represent a baby  
2) a picture of a smiling baby, clipped from some parenting magazine  
3) a doodle of a baby stuffed into a box, supposedly a cupboard or closet or some secret hiding place, according to the large caption reading, "SECRET HIDING PLACE," with lots and lots of arrows pointing to the aforementioned secret hiding place.

After this, LoneWolf panned to the posing family before her, composed of Ishizu, Serenity and a haphazard Shadi. They were holding a plushie Mokuba with forced smiles.

_"So when she could not hide him any longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with tar and pitch."_

Handing the plushie Mokuba to Shadi, Ishizu whipped out a bird's nest. LoneWolf slowly zoomed in with the camera.

_"And so began a most perilous journey…dun dun dun…" _

LoneWolf nodded. "Next scene!"

**x x x x x**

The YGO cast stared in horror.

"You are joking, surely." Yami stated flatly. "Again."

LoneWolf grinned. "Not this time either." She looked at the various dejected, horrified faces around her. "Oh, come on guys. We're just modernizing the story a bit. The Nile wasn't this joy ride, you know? It had crocodiles and mud and huge hippos."

"…Hippos?" Joey laughed. "Aw sure, hippos are reaaaal scary."

"You should be." Yami said darkly.

"Yeah, yeah, fear the huge scary hippos." Bakura drawled. "Scared, Pharaoh…?"

Yami raised an eyebrow. "When Ammit the soul eater is part hippo, yes. You should be, tomb robber."

Bakura shut up.

"But…but…" Ryou stuttered. "The…_sewers?"_

"It's the closest approximation to the setting of Moses, the Nile, and Miriam. And plus, I wanna have some impact and cool scenes in this movie, you know?" LoneWolf pointed to a pile of biohazard suits. "So suit up, and get ready to get dirty." She grinned.

After they all suited up, they all looked expectantly at Toboe LoneWolf.

"Now what?" Seto remarked dryly. "I am so looking forward to going down into the sewers."

LoneWolf turned sweetly to Rashid. "Rashid, would you please open a manhole for us?"

Rashid blinked.

Tristan leaned over aside to Duke. "Is that legal?"

Duke leaned back. "Director's License."

Tristan sighed.

Rashid grumbled as he bent down in the middle of the street and pulled out a monster wrench. "Can't you ever fix things yourself?" He grunted with each turn.

"No." Predatory grin. "I break 'em."

Dead silence. Toboe LoneWolf flashed the victory sign. "Aw, just kidding guys. Come on, it's down the hole for us!"

"We're oh so thrilled." Seto said sarcastically.

**x x x x x**

Toboe LoneWolf held the video camera up to her eye, slowly zooming out, letting the image of the sewer tunnels expand.

_"The Nile was a dangerous river, for all that it was essential to life in Egypt. Muddy, deep, infested with crocodiles and hippos, it was almost certain death for a babe in a basket."_

Toboe LoneWolf pressed the record button, turning it off. She turned to face Mokuba.

Mokuba swallowed. "You mean you're gonna put me in a basket and make me float down on sewer water?"

LoneWolf looked at him. "Of course not. You're too big."

Mokuba blinked.

"You're going to be the voice actor for this," LoneWolf held up a Mokuba plushie. "Just like how we did the disciples in 'Jesus Walks On Water.' "

Mokuba facefaulted.

LoneWolf turned to the rest of the cast. "And you're going to be the crocodiles and hippos after him. And Serenity, you're going to fight them off to let baby Moses passage."

Serenity meeped. Joey blew up.

"What the…! You ain't makin' my sis do that!"

LoneWolf waved her hand. "She'll be fine, Joey. She'll be in a form-fitting biohazard body suit."

Joey stopped ranting. "A what?"

LoneWolf rolled her eyes. "Oh come on guys. This is going to be a movie. We need some action in it. And we can't have the main action female role in a clunky biohazard suit. She's gotta look cool." And with that, LoneWolf whipped out a sleek black biohazard suit with silvery inlines.

Serentiy's mouth dropped. "I…I have to wear that?"

"And do kung fu in it," LoneWolf said proudly.

…

"I can't do that!" Serenity wailed. "I don't know how to fight!"

"Aw, don't worry about that, I'm sure your older brother taught you something, and anyways, that's what acting and special effects are for. Too bad we can't have a stunt double; it's kinda late to prep for that…" LoneWolf trailed off.

With great apprehension Serenity took the altered biohazard suit.

"Um…how do I change into this?"

"Next tunnel to your right. Nobody's going to be looking," LoneWolf assured.

Needless to say, Serenity was _not_ assured.

But we're not going to get into that.

With a great deal of yelling, threatening, instructioning, and lightning-bolting, Toboe LoneWolf more or less got her cast into her desired positions. Ishizu at one end of the tunnel, holding a black plastic boat with a plushie Mokuba in it. Mokuba standing in the back with a tiny microphone hooked up to a sound system to amplify his voice. Serenity halfway on the sewer ladder. And the rest of the cast half-submerged in the sewer itself, staggered along the long tunnel. As for costuming…um…let's just say they were greatly oversized. And bulky.

LoneWolf snapped her fingers. "Alright! Filming in one, two, three!" And she pressed the Big Red Button.

_"And so the loving mother placed the baby in the tar-covered basket and let it float down the Nile. His sister followed at a distance to see what would happen to him."_

Take One:

Ishizu let go of the boat.

It stayed there.

"Okaaaaay…Ishizu, maybe you need to give it a little push…"

Take Two:

Ishizu let go of the boat.

A large black sewer rat ran across, leapt on top of the boat, ripped off the plushie's head and capsized the boat. The entire cast screamed. Black shadow magic exploded, and sewer water exploded everywhere.

"Oooooookay." LoneWolf whipped out another plushie. "I've got a spare."

…

Take Three:

Ishizu let go of the boat.

It floated down the tunnel.

The YGO animal cast went, "ARRRRGGGH!"

Panning over to Serenity, who was holding onto the ladder with one hand in the "cool female about to leap off into fighting action" position LoneWolf told her. LoneWolf cued Serenity.

"Meep!"

Serenity leaped off and fell splat into the water. Coincidentally, on top of the boat.

Toboe LoneWolf blinked. She whipped out another plushie. "I've got several spares, actually."

"What was this, buy one Mokuba, get one free?"

Take Four:

Ishizu let go of the boat.

Serenity leapt gracefully off the ladder and landed in front of the boat in fighting position.

What followed was basically a caricature of an Asian martial arts action film, involving leaping, punching, kicking, water splashing everywhere, Serenity attempting to do DBZ and Bruce Lee and _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_ combined, Mokuba screaming like a little girl, rats flying, and the boat being the Holy Grail.

Toboe LoneWolf managed to get plushie Mokuba flying out of his protective boat and Serenity leaping for it caught on tape.

She pumped a fist. "Oh yeah baby! That is so going to be on slo-mo!"

Serenity held out a dripping, ragged plushie Mokuba. "But- but- I didn't…save him."

"Eh, we can always edit it out." LoneWolf blinked. "Aw shoot. I forgot something."

The YGO cast swallowed.

Joey spoke the all-important question. "What?"

"The crocodile." Toboe LoneWolf flipped out her cellphone. "Oi, Grandpa! Bring down the croc!"

_"WHAT?"_

"You can't be serious!" Yugi wailed.

"But we need some live animal action," LoneWolf said. "Besides, we're not going to do the whole scene again. Just add in a bit of new footage with live animal action, that's all. Everything is under control."

The croc landed in a splash. Its jaws gaped open.

"…Mostly."

Take Four, Part Two:

"Okay, steady, steady…" LoneWolf warned.

Grandpa grunted as he restrained the crocodile with its leash. "Hurry up!"

Toboe LoneWolf motioned to Ishizu. "Toss 'im. Serenity, get ready to save…"

Ishizu tossed plushie Mokuba in a slow arc. LoneWolf followed with the camera. Just as the plushie neared the gaping jaws, LoneWolf waved.

"Serenity! Now!"

_"Aiiiiiiiiiieee!"_

_Chop._

LoneWolf looked down chewed remains. She pulled out another plushie. "Third time lucky?"

Take Four, Part Three:

Plushie Mokuba went flying.

Mokuba did his voice acting job proud.

Serenity took a leap of faith.

Faith responded by having Serenity land smack-dab on top of the crocodile's mouth, clutching plushie Mokuba to her chest, squealing in fear.

LoneWolf pumped a fist. "Love it! Perfect shot!"

Serenity rolled off the crocodile's mouth.

Crocodile roared.

"Oh boy."

**x x x x x**

For the assurance of readers and viewers, let it be said that subduing the crocodile involved bludgeons, kicking, screaming, shadow magic, and Director's Powers. Thankfully, no suing was involved.

Serenity shook and clutched onto her older brother's jacket.

"I _never_ want to do that again."

Toboe LoneWolf held up her video camera proudly. "Oh, just wait Serenity. You see yourself in action in this movie, and you'll be begging for another action role."

Serenity did not look convinced. Obviously.

"Well, last scene guys." LoneWolf struck a pose, pointing upward. "To the upper world!"

**x x x x x**

Toboe LoneWolf chortled. "Oh, this is sweet."

Kaiba glared. "This, is Very Wrong."

Mai flipped her wet hair. "Oh come on, Kaiba. I like it. Who knew you had a waterfall in your workplace?"

"It's not for _bathing_ in!"

Mai and LoneWolf rolled their eyes. "It's a movie."

Mai was standing in a simple, elegant white bathrobe in the middle of one of Kaiba's water displays in KaibaCorp. A small waterfall that splashed down into a secluded corner amongst carefully carved marble rock. Green leafy plants artfully planted surrounded the area, making it a relaxing place for workers to take a break.

Well, Toboe LoneWolf was taking advantage of the scenery.

"Everybody in position? Yes? No? Doesn't matter, filming!"

_"Then Pharaoh's daughter went down to the Nile to bathe. She saw the basket among the reeds and, once opening it, saw the baby. He was crying, and she felt sorry for him. 'This is one of the Hebrew babies,' she said."_

Mai trailed a hand down her body. From above, the (washed) boat carrying its precious plushie cargo floated over the edge of the waterfall, tilted, and went sploooooosh!

Mai flickered a strand of wet hair off her face. "Oh look. A present from the Nile."

She walked over to the boat and flipped open the lid. She pulled out the plushie. "And it's a baby. Woot."

Aside, Joey whispered to Yami. "Did Egyptains say 'woot' back then?"

Yami gave him a Look. "No."

"Then Miriam asked Pharaoh's daughter, 'Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to take care of the baby for you?' "

Serenity popped in from behind the green unnamed jungle-looking leafy plant things. That were not plastic. Woot.

"Um, shall I get one of the, uh, Hebrew women to take care of the baby?"

Mai shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

_"And the girl went and got the baby's mother, who took care of him under Pharaoh's daughter's orders." _

LoneWolf turned to do a quick shot of Ishizu and family once again, although this time Mokuba was actually in the picture instead of his plushie-double. They posed in front of the KaibaCorp sign, although they were strategically standing so that the name was covered up…

_"And when the child grew older, he was taken to Pharaoh's daughter and he became her son. And she named him 'Moses.' "_

Ishizu presented Mokuba to Mai. In a cute little tuxedo. Because Toboe LoneWolf wanted to.

…Well, in the name of acting…

Mai squealed. "He's so cuuuuuuute!"

Mokuba blanched.

Mai wrapped her arms around Mokuba and hugged him tight. "I shall hug him and squeeze him and name him George!"

LoneWolf facefaulted.

"…I mean, Moses."

Toboe LoneWolf pressed the Big Red Button. "Eh, that'll do. That wraps it up, cast! _The Story of Moses, Part 1_ has been filmed!" She blinked. "Well, except for the editing. Aw pooh. That's always a pain in the butt. Crazy Windows…I wanna Mac…"

"Like a McDonalds Mac?" Joey popped up.

"Yeah, that too…" Toboe LoneWolf blinked. "Eh, what the heck." She struck another pose. "All right cast! It's time for a celebration at McDonalds! And then after we feast on McNuggets and Big Macs and French fries, we shall proceed with filming _Part 2: Running With Bushes!_"

"…"


End file.
